There is a moment of transparency that I rarely allow myself. I have shared how I really feel. She straightens up a bit, leans back slightly. I have no idea what it means. Is she surprised? Is this a recoil? Have I miscalibrated the intimacy of our relationship? My mind is racing trying to solve this puzzle. I am shutting down emotionally. I don’t know what to do or say. Why does this always happen? Why can’t I figure this out? Why can’t I understand her face?
He says, “That was fast. And…the answers are all correct. I’ve never seen that before.” I feel simultaneously proud and ashamed. Special and freakish. Doing that which comes most naturally is also what sets me so far apart from everyone else.
It is time to set goals. It is “very easy.” I’m supposed to review the five or so possible categories within which to set goals and then just do it. Ok, I love setting measurable goals let’s do this. But the categories are not discrete and their connections are not equidistant. Some aren’t connected at all. It is as if someone has said, “Monkey is to banana as banana is to chair as chair is to circle.” It doesn’t make any sense. They are filled with business lingo that doesn’t make any sense. I look up each of these words in the dictionary trying to decipher the meaning. She says, “This isn’t a big deal. Don’t sweat this. Just write something down.” But my brain has short circuited and I can’t process any information. My brain just continues to loop on how incongruent the categories are…they don’t make sense…they should make sense…how much are these people being paid to create categories like this…they don’t make any sense…this isn’t fair, I can set goals dammit. Just not per these instructions…which don’t make sense.
I’m filling out a survey. Question: What formats would you be interested in participating in to support cultural shifts in our work? My brain: What shapes and designs or arrangements would you be interested in interacting in to bear the weight of cultural changes in our work? But…still doesn’t make sense. I can’t conjure up a single word to respond with. Simply does not compute.
My college roommate hates me almost instantly. I’m not sure why. I’ve barely said a word. Her presence is overwhelming me. The topics she monologues on have no depth and I don’t wish to participate in the discourse. And then that becomes the issue. I’m too quiet and therefore weird. I try to act more normal and partake in the meaningless banter. I instantly lose my sense of self and for precisely zero gain. Perhaps a loss. She is sending me a lot of energy, but I don’t understand any of it. If she would just tell me what is making her so angry, I would stop doing it but she seems to detest my very essence. There must be something about me that is very hate-able given the ease with which she does so.
Oops. Maybe that was too honest. Maybe they were doing that thing that some people do that I never understand where they say they want feedback but actually don’t. Or don’t want mine. Or I didn’t put it in the right package. Or I didn’t understand the scope of allowable feedback. Maybe I misunderstood the prompt. Why is that clock ticking so loudly? Personally I love direct feedback. So helpful and transparent. I seem to be alone in this. For real though, whose clock is that?!
Twenty minutes of silence pass. I have no idea what is going on or if I am supposed to be doing something. Maybe if I replay the conversation in my mind I can figure out what to do next. Then she says the most surprising thing, “I want a divorce.” It doesn’t make any sense. I keep opening my mouth knowing I should say something but these words do not compute. And so ends my first marriage.
What do you mean you don’t evaluate and consciously choose the ideal emotional state required for a meeting in order to achieve the desired outcome?
Wait, so you don’t rehearse the conversation beforehand? Well, how do you know how to respond if you haven’t practiced? What do you mean you just respond in the moment?! I rehearse the conversation and run through all the possible reactions they could have so that I can explore what the motives would be for that reaction so I can determine the best response because how else am I supposed to know what to do?
Can you hear that sound? Its like “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.” Just a constant hum. Its driving me – ugh – where is that coming from?! How can you not hear that?!
“Do you have trouble recognizing when people are taking advantage of you?” Taking advantage of me? Why would anyone…wait, are you saying that…it literally never occurred to me that anyone has ever tried to take advantage of me.
“I’m surprised to hear you feel that way. One would never know that by looking at you.”
“…is emotionally distant.”
“Thrives in structured routines and environments.”
“His thought process is rigid and at times, inflexible.”
“…minimal tolerance for repetitive sounds…”
“Life long difficulty with social engagements, with minimal desire to socialize with individuals outside his inner circle.”
“Impaired adaptability.”
“Minimal drive to create social connections and relationships given his experiences with social connections throughout his life.”
“…struggles with inconsistent ability to integrate verbal and nonverbal communication with appropriate eye contact, body language and facial expressions…”
“…constellation of symptoms meet clinical criteria for autism…”
Damn that makes so much more sense.
That's Mr. Gender to You 
Neurodiversity is a beautiful thing, and I’m happy to see you’ve discovered the way to communicate yours! I won’t press you about how you *feel* about the diagnosis (emotional distance is okay! and its easy enough to “read between the lines” here) but I will say that if you’d like to connect with another human who was diagnosed late in life, my former partner may be a good support. She didn’t get diagnosed until late 30s, I believe, and since then has recognized just how much of her life was altered by lack of understanding/assessment. Let me know if that kind of connection sounds helpful to you! If not, know I’m still out here routing for you!
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And by “routing” I meant “rooting” 😬
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