Tag: relationships

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Infinite Possibilities

Mr. Gender

As an adolescent, it seemed to me that I lacked an attraction to boys that I was assured I had. I suspected there was more to my feelings toward girls than friendship, but friendship was the only explanation I was offered. I knew there was a fundamental difference in how I experienced my gender and how others perceived it, but I was told that there were two different types of people: boys and girls. And that these differences were entirely dependent on sex, of which there were only two. My feelings to the contrary were silly. My thoughts, overly imaginative. … Continue reading Infinite Possibilities

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Not what it seems

Mr. Gender

Content warning: this post mentions suicide and family rejection I love change. It brings opportunity and rekindled novelty. But… I struggle enormously with anticipation. Once I know a change is coming, it can’t come soon enough. Which is perhaps why each time I have come out, I have done so with tremendous speed. For example, I told my mother the same day I realized I was attracted to women, and my father within the first couple weeks.  A few more weeks passed and we were heading to rural Wisconsin to see my mother’s parents and siblings. During this trip I … Continue reading Not what it seems

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Learn lesson, rinse, repeat

Mr. Gender

I have spent the weekend completing projects, eating terrible food, painting mediocre paintings and lovely, intriguing paintings, and thinking and feeling, avoiding and embracing. All of this is part of an approximately annual event where I have the house entirely to myself and I use the time to accomplish an extraordinary amount and usually high quality products. But I also use this time to stop pretending. I value authenticity, perhaps above all. That commitment to authenticity requires a high level of avoidance because the feelings I feel are intense and thorough. I have found that people have a low tolerance … Continue reading Learn lesson, rinse, repeat

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Two Mostly Unrelated Stories

Mr. Gender

Late spring 2011. I pull into our driveway. I am, like everyday, the first person home. Something is different. Several somethings. Why is there water pouring down the driveway? My eyes follow upstream, the water is flowing from the spigot. Why would that be on? I hear a soft meow. My eyes follow the sound to the window above. It is…overly transparent. Windows are often transparent yes, but, it is so very clear. I realize the subtle obstruction from the mesh window screen is missing. In fact, so is the glass. My cat, Ella, is comfortably perched in the window … Continue reading Two Mostly Unrelated Stories

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A love story – Part 5

Mr. Gender

I stop wanting to ever go back to my apartment. We spend time apart because it seems like something we should do or because it is something we have to do. But we aren’t that into it. It isn’t as fun as being together. It seems a bit like a waste of time. I am approaching 30. Anji is twelve years older than I am. We feel a bit short changed for not finding each other sooner and incredibly fortunate to have done so at all. There is no one I can think of who will say, “Four months of … Continue reading A love story – Part 5

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A love story – Part 4

Mr. Gender

We have been dating for two weeks. My parents want me to visit. I just saw my mother a few weeks ago. But since moving to the Pacific Northwest about 6 years before, I had only been home maybe three times. This was primarily due to financial constraints. The fact that my parents moved 4 hours away from the town I grew up in shortly after I moved was an added complication. My mom had a plane ticket voucher from a prior trip where there was a layover debacle. The voucher was set to expire in about 6 weeks. I … Continue reading A love story – Part 4

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It’s Facebook Official

Mr. Gender

“You should only make it into the paper twice in your life. When you are born and when you die.” – Unsolicited Advice from Co-Worker reflecting on the evils of social media I grew up in a world where my social network knew few geographical limits. We hear a lot about the dangers and down side of social media. Smart phones are the latest to be accused of rotting the brains of the next generation but, it wasn’t that long ago that Elvis was sure to corrupt all. Those hips. Civilization made it through rock n’ roll and television. At … Continue reading It’s Facebook Official

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A love story – Part 3

Mr. Gender

We are driving around Ballard. By “we,” I mean “she”, she is driving and I am, as I have been since, in the passenger seat. To this day I can’t drive in Seattle without a map but Anji has the general lay of the land and doesn’t need that kind of accommodation. “I can’t imagine growing old and never having a child.” She is surprised, intrigued…pensive. “I have never imagined having another child.” The car becomes silent, but unexpectedly comfortable. A few intersections pass by the windows. It’s a beautiful evening. The streetlights cast an amber glow interrupted by the … Continue reading A love story – Part 3

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A love story – Part 2

Mr. Gender

It’s 2010. I am living in an apartment that I can barely afford. My judgement is clouded by the abrupt end to my marriage. I have always had a strong moral compass, to the point of rigidity. But this time in my life, is not my best. I find myself doing things I shouldn’t be doing. I can’t bring myself to care. But I do recognize that Anji has her shit too together to get wrapped up in mine. Either later that night (the night of secret family recipe sausage – try to follow along) or the next morning I … Continue reading A love story – Part 2