Tag: identity

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Infinite Possibilities

Mr. Gender

As an adolescent, it seemed to me that I lacked an attraction to boys that I was assured I had. I suspected there was more to my feelings toward girls than friendship, but friendship was the only explanation I was offered. I knew there was a fundamental difference in how I experienced my gender and how others perceived it, but I was told that there were two different types of people: boys and girls. And that these differences were entirely dependent on sex, of which there were only two. My feelings to the contrary were silly. My thoughts, overly imaginative. … Continue reading Infinite Possibilities

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But Not For Me

Mr. Gender

On Twitter the other day, I saw Andrea Gibson post, “It is ok to say there are things parts of you did not survive.” It has been several months now. I thought I was hot on the trail to my next professional goal but quite suddenly found that I, simply, was not. This revelation was bottom-drops-out levels of disorienting. I often find songs to better understand how I feel. It is notable that this experience inspired its own playlist. In retrospect I’ve been oscillating between Chet Baker’s version of “But Not for Me” and “I Get Along Without You Very … Continue reading But Not For Me

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Learn lesson, rinse, repeat

Mr. Gender

I have spent the weekend completing projects, eating terrible food, painting mediocre paintings and lovely, intriguing paintings, and thinking and feeling, avoiding and embracing. All of this is part of an approximately annual event where I have the house entirely to myself and I use the time to accomplish an extraordinary amount and usually high quality products. But I also use this time to stop pretending. I value authenticity, perhaps above all. That commitment to authenticity requires a high level of avoidance because the feelings I feel are intense and thorough. I have found that people have a low tolerance … Continue reading Learn lesson, rinse, repeat

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I thought maybe you were a swimmer

Mr. Gender

I wanted short hair for as long as I can remember. Afraid of ridicule my mother resisted because I would look like a boy and, my ears stick out so people would make fun of me. In 2020, and especially to those of you reading this, perhaps that sounds judgmental and dis-empowering. It was, but it happened within a different context. In the early 90’s people were men, women or men in dresses – freaks of the night. For what it is worth, people made fun of me anyway. Starting late in high school, well after my breasts ruined the … Continue reading I thought maybe you were a swimmer

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Two Mostly Unrelated Stories

Mr. Gender

Late spring 2011. I pull into our driveway. I am, like everyday, the first person home. Something is different. Several somethings. Why is there water pouring down the driveway? My eyes follow upstream, the water is flowing from the spigot. Why would that be on? I hear a soft meow. My eyes follow the sound to the window above. It is…overly transparent. Windows are often transparent yes, but, it is so very clear. I realize the subtle obstruction from the mesh window screen is missing. In fact, so is the glass. My cat, Ella, is comfortably perched in the window … Continue reading Two Mostly Unrelated Stories

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Never to be seen again

Mr. Gender

A guy at the bar is having a pretty good time – a few drinks with friends. He comes over to our table and holds out his fist, “Alright man! That is what I am talking about!” He likes my hat. I hold up my fist and we “bump.” It is a startlingly masculine moment. We have known each other for over a decade, which I find is worth more when you have transplanted far from your hometown. We see each other maybe twice a year, more if one of us is having a baby. Though she was my friend … Continue reading Never to be seen again

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So much adulting – or, you had one job

Mr. Gender

It’s late spring 2019. A lot of big boxes have been checked off on the journey of transition. I had been bugging my wife that we needed to paint the exterior of our house since the day we moved in. It drove me so crazy that when she left town one weekend, I painted the front of the house so that when I pulled up to the house, I didn’t feel as irritated. Some of the delay was because I wanted to paint the house myself. I love painting – a canvas, a bathroom, a piece of furniture, it doesn’t … Continue reading So much adulting – or, you had one job

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A love story – Part 6

Mr. Gender

What do you mean these eggs are expired? Content warning: infertility Our honeymoon is amazing. Yes amazing for all the typical reasons, but also…wheat berry pancakes. I am not kidding around. They are incredible. I don’t even like pancakes but these? Memorable. Delicious. It’s our first weekend home after our honeymoon. Saturday morning breakfast at a restaurant we’d never been to before. The waitress is strangely devoid of boundaries and keeps hanging all over Anji, much to Anji’s discomfort. At some point one of us informs her that her over familiarity is inappropriate and unappreciated. Driving home that afternoon I … Continue reading A love story – Part 6

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A love story – Part 4

Mr. Gender

We have been dating for two weeks. My parents want me to visit. I just saw my mother a few weeks ago. But since moving to the Pacific Northwest about 6 years before, I had only been home maybe three times. This was primarily due to financial constraints. The fact that my parents moved 4 hours away from the town I grew up in shortly after I moved was an added complication. My mom had a plane ticket voucher from a prior trip where there was a layover debacle. The voucher was set to expire in about 6 weeks. I … Continue reading A love story – Part 4

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It’s Facebook Official

Mr. Gender

“You should only make it into the paper twice in your life. When you are born and when you die.” – Unsolicited Advice from Co-Worker reflecting on the evils of social media I grew up in a world where my social network knew few geographical limits. We hear a lot about the dangers and down side of social media. Smart phones are the latest to be accused of rotting the brains of the next generation but, it wasn’t that long ago that Elvis was sure to corrupt all. Those hips. Civilization made it through rock n’ roll and television. At … Continue reading It’s Facebook Official