Tag: authenticity

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Infinite Possibilities

Mr. Gender

As an adolescent, it seemed to me that I lacked an attraction to boys that I was assured I had. I suspected there was more to my feelings toward girls than friendship, but friendship was the only explanation I was offered. I knew there was a fundamental difference in how I experienced my gender and how others perceived it, but I was told that there were two different types of people: boys and girls. And that these differences were entirely dependent on sex, of which there were only two. My feelings to the contrary were silly. My thoughts, overly imaginative. … Continue reading Infinite Possibilities

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But Not For Me

Mr. Gender

On Twitter the other day, I saw Andrea Gibson post, “It is ok to say there are things parts of you did not survive.” It has been several months now. I thought I was hot on the trail to my next professional goal but quite suddenly found that I, simply, was not. This revelation was bottom-drops-out levels of disorienting. I often find songs to better understand how I feel. It is notable that this experience inspired its own playlist. In retrospect I’ve been oscillating between Chet Baker’s version of “But Not for Me” and “I Get Along Without You Very … Continue reading But Not For Me

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And yet…

Mr. Gender

It’s been 25 months since my first T shot. When I look in the mirror I see only the man I’ve always been. And yet… I walk up to the register. The sales person comes around the corner and without hesitation, “Do you have a rewards card miss?” I respond immediately in an effort to erase what has just occurred. At the lowest register of my voice I say “No” to the question and the situation in general. No recognition of her error registers in her eyes. I ask myself, “Is there any possibility I misheard?” I review words that … Continue reading And yet…

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Learn lesson, rinse, repeat

Mr. Gender

I have spent the weekend completing projects, eating terrible food, painting mediocre paintings and lovely, intriguing paintings, and thinking and feeling, avoiding and embracing. All of this is part of an approximately annual event where I have the house entirely to myself and I use the time to accomplish an extraordinary amount and usually high quality products. But I also use this time to stop pretending. I value authenticity, perhaps above all. That commitment to authenticity requires a high level of avoidance because the feelings I feel are intense and thorough. I have found that people have a low tolerance … Continue reading Learn lesson, rinse, repeat

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I thought maybe you were a swimmer

Mr. Gender

I wanted short hair for as long as I can remember. Afraid of ridicule my mother resisted because I would look like a boy and, my ears stick out so people would make fun of me. In 2020, and especially to those of you reading this, perhaps that sounds judgmental and dis-empowering. It was, but it happened within a different context. In the early 90’s people were men, women or men in dresses – freaks of the night. For what it is worth, people made fun of me anyway. Starting late in high school, well after my breasts ruined the … Continue reading I thought maybe you were a swimmer

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Two Mostly Unrelated Stories

Mr. Gender

Late spring 2011. I pull into our driveway. I am, like everyday, the first person home. Something is different. Several somethings. Why is there water pouring down the driveway? My eyes follow upstream, the water is flowing from the spigot. Why would that be on? I hear a soft meow. My eyes follow the sound to the window above. It is…overly transparent. Windows are often transparent yes, but, it is so very clear. I realize the subtle obstruction from the mesh window screen is missing. In fact, so is the glass. My cat, Ella, is comfortably perched in the window … Continue reading Two Mostly Unrelated Stories

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The colleague formerly known as…

Mr. Gender

When I am offered this job, it is 2012 and I am a few days shy of my 28th birthday. As acquaintances learn of my new gig I receive many congratulations on landing a job I can “retire from.” It is such a horrifying thought I almost don’t accept the offer. I value longevity. I am a long term commitment kind of guy but staying in a job from 28 to whatever retirement age is when I get there…I can’t fathom it. I certainly can’t understand why people are so excited about this as a prospect for me. I come … Continue reading The colleague formerly known as…

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It’s Facebook Official

Mr. Gender

“You should only make it into the paper twice in your life. When you are born and when you die.” – Unsolicited Advice from Co-Worker reflecting on the evils of social media I grew up in a world where my social network knew few geographical limits. We hear a lot about the dangers and down side of social media. Smart phones are the latest to be accused of rotting the brains of the next generation but, it wasn’t that long ago that Elvis was sure to corrupt all. Those hips. Civilization made it through rock n’ roll and television. At … Continue reading It’s Facebook Official