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Privacy & Dignity

Mr. Gender

A few months after starting HRT, I began snoring to the extreme. This is not uncommon in trans men as T thickens soft tissues throughout the body. After several months and hoops, I was diagnosed with sleep apnea, and after several more months, I finally got a CPAP, which initially alleviated symptoms. I felt amazing. Almost two years ago, I started feeling pretty tired, pretty consistently. Ran some blood tests, started taking vitamin D. Still tired. I got a Garmin, and it consistently showed poor sleep and really low energy levels. 6 months later, my doctor ordered an overnight sleep … Continue reading Privacy & Dignity

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A Much Needed Break

Mr. Gender

I’ve been exhausted for months. The problem with burnout and being autistic, is that it results in a special kind of burnout – autistic burnout. What’s the difference? Here’s an example: I adore small children. I am all for them acting in ridiculous ways without regard for others. Live it up! Well… I was at a cafe the other day, a young girl came in. Through the window, she could see a flock of geese, and she was jazzed about it. She starts screaming with glee. And while I would normally be quite amused, I instead found myself resisting the … Continue reading A Much Needed Break

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A Penny for Your Oppression

Mr. Gender

I started my transition four years ago. There has been much joy on this journey so far. There have also been important lessons, some of which I want to share with you in this post. I have received offers from various groups, organizations, and institutions to weigh in on identifying or creating helpful resources about various issues that are important to trans people or even helping to shape policies. I acknowledge that these are offers I am getting due to my proximity to whiteness, masculinity, and wealth. Which is to say that many people are not being invited to these … Continue reading A Penny for Your Oppression

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But Not For Me

Mr. Gender

On Twitter the other day, I saw Andrea Gibson post, “It is ok to say there are things parts of you did not survive.” It has been several months now. I thought I was hot on the trail to my next professional goal but quite suddenly found that I, simply, was not. This revelation was bottom-drops-out levels of disorienting. I often find songs to better understand how I feel. It is notable that this experience inspired its own playlist. In retrospect I’ve been oscillating between Chet Baker’s version of “But Not for Me” and “I Get Along Without You Very … Continue reading But Not For Me

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To take the mask off?

Mr. Gender

“Do you think I should apologize? Explain what was happening for me in that coversation?” I ask. “Can I give you some feedback?” Her voice conveys such care that I recognize the sincerity immediately. “Absolutely.” “I have seen you, several times, feel pressured to give context to people for your feelings. You don’t have to justify your anger.” “This is news to me and very valuable information. I have definitely gotten the message that my feelings are too intense for others and so I try to keep them under wraps. When they surface I feel obligated to explain them. Part … Continue reading To take the mask off?

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Not what it seems

Mr. Gender

Content warning: this post mentions suicide and family rejection I love change. It brings opportunity and rekindled novelty. But… I struggle enormously with anticipation. Once I know a change is coming, it can’t come soon enough. Which is perhaps why each time I have come out, I have done so with tremendous speed. For example, I told my mother the same day I realized I was attracted to women, and my father within the first couple weeks.  A few more weeks passed and we were heading to rural Wisconsin to see my mother’s parents and siblings. During this trip I … Continue reading Not what it seems

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To Stop Wanting More

Mr. Gender

Throughout my life, and especially in my youth, I have struggled to achieve a sense of belonging. There were glimpses growing up but, only ever with adults, one at a time and only until I said something unexpected. Something unfiltered. Something that violated some unwritten rule about exactly how much transparency is too much. There were only a couple exceptions to this. People who stayed present regardless of how weird I was being. Those people were life lines. It was in college that I experienced belonging within a group for the first time. It wasn’t as though I magically got … Continue reading To Stop Wanting More

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A Late Diagnosis

Mr. Gender

There is a moment of transparency that I rarely allow myself. I have shared how I really feel. She straightens up a bit, leans back slightly. I have no idea what it means. Is she surprised? Is this a recoil? Have I miscalibrated the intimacy of our relationship? My mind is racing trying to solve this puzzle. I am shutting down emotionally. I don’t know what to do or say. Why does this always happen? Why can’t I figure this out? Why can’t I understand her face? He says, “That was fast. And…the answers are all correct. I’ve never seen … Continue reading A Late Diagnosis

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On Courage

Mr. Gender

Thoughts for Pride 2021 I was honored to deliver the keynote for today’s Pride in the Park event. You can read my speech or check out the recorded copy below. Spring semester of my sophomore year in college I was struggling. As a music major I was desperate to be great but unable to ever get to “good enough.” I was putting in longer and longer hours practicing and composing. I woke up one morning, a few weeks away from finals and my hands were fascinatingly numb. I struggled to button my shirt. I couldn’t turn the key in the … Continue reading On Courage

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Black Heart Today

Mr. Gender

Black Heart Today – Amy Ray “I’ve got a black heart today. No amount of kindness is going to turn it the other way.” I run several times per week. It is essential to my mental and physical health. The time I spend running has replaced my commute. I rely on those miles to help me transition from work-brain to home-brain. When things are too difficult to process – I run and let all the little neurons sort themselves out. Which is not to say that “running is my therapy.” No, I have therapy for my therapy. Sometimes, when I … Continue reading Black Heart Today