Author: Mr. Gender

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A Late Diagnosis

Mr. Gender

There is a moment of transparency that I rarely allow myself. I have shared how I really feel. She straightens up a bit, leans back slightly. I have no idea what it means. Is she surprised? Is this a recoil? Have I miscalibrated the intimacy of our relationship? My mind is racing trying to solve this puzzle. I am shutting down emotionally. I don’t know what to do or say. Why does this always happen? Why can’t I figure this out? Why can’t I understand her face? He says, “That was fast. And…the answers are all correct. I’ve never seen … Continue reading A Late Diagnosis

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On Courage

Mr. Gender

Thoughts for Pride 2021 I was honored to deliver the keynote for today’s Pride in the Park event. You can read my speech or check out the recorded copy below. Spring semester of my sophomore year in college I was struggling. As a music major I was desperate to be great but unable to ever get to “good enough.” I was putting in longer and longer hours practicing and composing. I woke up one morning, a few weeks away from finals and my hands were fascinatingly numb. I struggled to button my shirt. I couldn’t turn the key in the … Continue reading On Courage

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Black Heart Today

Mr. Gender

Black Heart Today – Amy Ray “I’ve got a black heart today. No amount of kindness is going to turn it the other way.” I run several times per week. It is essential to my mental and physical health. The time I spend running has replaced my commute. I rely on those miles to help me transition from work-brain to home-brain. When things are too difficult to process – I run and let all the little neurons sort themselves out. Which is not to say that “running is my therapy.” No, I have therapy for my therapy. Sometimes, when I … Continue reading Black Heart Today

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And yet…

Mr. Gender

It’s been 25 months since my first T shot. When I look in the mirror I see only the man I’ve always been. And yet… I walk up to the register. The sales person comes around the corner and without hesitation, “Do you have a rewards card miss?” I respond immediately in an effort to erase what has just occurred. At the lowest register of my voice I say “No” to the question and the situation in general. No recognition of her error registers in her eyes. I ask myself, “Is there any possibility I misheard?” I review words that … Continue reading And yet…

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Learn lesson, rinse, repeat

Mr. Gender

I have spent the weekend completing projects, eating terrible food, painting mediocre paintings and lovely, intriguing paintings, and thinking and feeling, avoiding and embracing. All of this is part of an approximately annual event where I have the house entirely to myself and I use the time to accomplish an extraordinary amount and usually high quality products. But I also use this time to stop pretending. I value authenticity, perhaps above all. That commitment to authenticity requires a high level of avoidance because the feelings I feel are intense and thorough. I have found that people have a low tolerance … Continue reading Learn lesson, rinse, repeat

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I thought maybe you were a swimmer

Mr. Gender

I wanted short hair for as long as I can remember. Afraid of ridicule my mother resisted because I would look like a boy and, my ears stick out so people would make fun of me. In 2020, and especially to those of you reading this, perhaps that sounds judgmental and dis-empowering. It was, but it happened within a different context. In the early 90’s people were men, women or men in dresses – freaks of the night. For what it is worth, people made fun of me anyway. Starting late in high school, well after my breasts ruined the … Continue reading I thought maybe you were a swimmer

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Two Mostly Unrelated Stories

Mr. Gender

Late spring 2011. I pull into our driveway. I am, like everyday, the first person home. Something is different. Several somethings. Why is there water pouring down the driveway? My eyes follow upstream, the water is flowing from the spigot. Why would that be on? I hear a soft meow. My eyes follow the sound to the window above. It is…overly transparent. Windows are often transparent yes, but, it is so very clear. I realize the subtle obstruction from the mesh window screen is missing. In fact, so is the glass. My cat, Ella, is comfortably perched in the window … Continue reading Two Mostly Unrelated Stories

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The colleague formerly known as…

Mr. Gender

When I am offered this job, it is 2012 and I am a few days shy of my 28th birthday. As acquaintances learn of my new gig I receive many congratulations on landing a job I can “retire from.” It is such a horrifying thought I almost don’t accept the offer. I value longevity. I am a long term commitment kind of guy but staying in a job from 28 to whatever retirement age is when I get there…I can’t fathom it. I certainly can’t understand why people are so excited about this as a prospect for me. I come … Continue reading The colleague formerly known as…