Dropping my head I said, “I have nowhere else to go.”
“You can go anywhere you like. The possibilities are infinite.”
“I don’t believe you and anyway, I don’t know how to leave.”
“That much is evident,” she laughed, but it was oddly without the slightest hint of ridicule. “Let’s go for a walk.” Continue reading A Relocation of Sorts
A few months after starting HRT, I began snoring to the extreme. This is not uncommon in trans men as T thickens soft tissues throughout the body. After several months and hoops, I was diagnosed with sleep apnea, and after several more months, I finally got a CPAP, which initially alleviated symptoms. I felt amazing. Almost two years ago, I started feeling pretty tired, pretty consistently. Ran some blood tests, started taking vitamin D. Still tired. I got a Garmin, and it consistently showed poor sleep and really low energy levels. 6 months later, my doctor ordered an overnight sleep … Continue reading Privacy & Dignity
I’ve been exhausted for months. The problem with burnout and being autistic, is that it results in a special kind of burnout – autistic burnout. What’s the difference? Here’s an example: I adore small children. I am all for them acting in ridiculous ways without regard for others. Live it up! Well… I was at a cafe the other day, a young girl came in. Through the window, she could see a flock of geese, and she was jazzed about it. She starts screaming with glee. And while I would normally be quite amused, I instead found myself resisting the … Continue reading A Much Needed Break
Last Saturday I was honored to deliver the keynote for the inaugural Lake Stevens Pride Festival. Below is an audio recording of the speech followed by the written version of the speech. Note: It is not a transcription. This speech is about building a home within myself; one of joy, unconditional love and liberation through transformational relationships. It is also about heartbreak and dissonance and learning the hard way that there are so many more ways to imagine and create home and community than what most of us are taught growing up. I am also going to talk to you … Continue reading Transformational Relationships
As an adolescent, it seemed to me that I lacked an attraction to boys that I was assured I had. I suspected there was more to my feelings toward girls than friendship, but friendship was the only explanation I was offered. I knew there was a fundamental difference in how I experienced my gender and how others perceived it, but I was told that there were two different types of people: boys and girls. And that these differences were entirely dependent on sex, of which there were only two. My feelings to the contrary were silly. My thoughts, overly imaginative. … Continue reading Infinite Possibilities
I started my transition four years ago. There has been much joy on this journey so far. There have also been important lessons, some of which I want to share with you in this post. I have received offers from various groups, organizations, and institutions to weigh in on identifying or creating helpful resources about various issues that are important to trans people or even helping to shape policies. I acknowledge that these are offers I am getting due to my proximity to whiteness, masculinity, and wealth. Which is to say that many people are not being invited to these … Continue reading A Penny for Your Oppression
On Twitter the other day, I saw Andrea Gibson post, “It is ok to say there are things parts of you did not survive.” It has been several months now. I thought I was hot on the trail to my next professional goal but quite suddenly found that I, simply, was not. This revelation was bottom-drops-out levels of disorienting. I often find songs to better understand how I feel. It is notable that this experience inspired its own playlist. In retrospect I’ve been oscillating between Chet Baker’s version of “But Not for Me” and “I Get Along Without You Very … Continue reading But Not For Me
“Do you think I should apologize? Explain what was happening for me in that coversation?” I ask. “Can I give you some feedback?” Her voice conveys such care that I recognize the sincerity immediately. “Absolutely.” “I have seen you, several times, feel pressured to give context to people for your feelings. You don’t have to justify your anger.” “This is news to me and very valuable information. I have definitely gotten the message that my feelings are too intense for others and so I try to keep them under wraps. When they surface I feel obligated to explain them. Part … Continue reading To take the mask off?
Content warning: this post mentions suicide and family rejection I love change. It brings opportunity and rekindled novelty. But… I struggle enormously with anticipation. Once I know a change is coming, it can’t come soon enough. Which is perhaps why each time I have come out, I have done so with tremendous speed. For example, I told my mother the same day I realized I was attracted to women, and my father within the first couple weeks. A few more weeks passed and we were heading to rural Wisconsin to see my mother’s parents and siblings. During this trip I … Continue reading Not what it seems
Throughout my life, and especially in my youth, I have struggled to achieve a sense of belonging. There were glimpses growing up but, only ever with adults, one at a time and only until I said something unexpected. Something unfiltered. Something that violated some unwritten rule about exactly how much transparency is too much. There were only a couple exceptions to this. People who stayed present regardless of how weird I was being. Those people were life lines. It was in college that I experienced belonging within a group for the first time. It wasn’t as though I magically got … Continue reading To Stop Wanting More
That's Mr. Gender to You 