I started my transition four years ago. There has been much joy on this journey so far. There have also been important lessons, some of which I want to share with you in this post.

I have received offers from various groups, organizations, and institutions to weigh in on identifying or creating helpful resources about various issues that are important to trans people or even helping to shape policies. I acknowledge that these are offers I am getting due to my proximity to whiteness, masculinity, and wealth. Which is to say that many people are not being invited to these discussions. I also acknowledge that my stable employment and housing status, and supportive family all provide me with an environment to recharge my batteries and have even a chance to say, ‘yes’ to these requests.

I have said ‘yes’ to most of these requests and in doing so, have learned many things I wish I’d known before I replied. There is tremendous cost to my mental and emotional well-being. To help myself more thoughtfully consider whether to engage, I developed ten points of consideration and thought they might help others who find themselves wondering if saying “yes” is worth it:

1. Who else is at the table? Are you the only trans person? Are there only white people at this table? Are there only white people plus one Asian person? Here’s the thing, anti-transgender bullshit gets infinitely more complex when a person is also facing anti-blackness or anti-indigeneity. This concept is labeled intersectionality by Dr. Kimberlé Crenshaw, and you can learn more about it here. I can’t speak to the experience of black trans women, so if that group is impacted by the discussion, I have a responsibility to ensure they are included. Going forward, I won’t agree to participate in discussions that don’t include the voices of those most impacted.

2. Are there other tables, other methods of gathering feedback? Does the group requesting your expertise seem to have a good grasp on the need for feedback beyond a small working group?

3. Who will make the decision? Often, it won’t be you, and that’s ok. But it needs to be clear from the beginning.

4. How will the resulting changes, or lack thereof, be communicated? If I’m not making the decision, that’s ok, but it better not seem like I was the one who made it. And in this same vein, the work of the group should still be acknowledged without being exploited.

5. Can you cope with them disregarding your advice? There is a high likelihood that they will disregard the advice provided and then they will congratulate themselves, loudly and to the masses, about how the policy or material was created in partnership with trans people. This will effectively transform you from a member of the community to just another member on Team Oppression. That’s a special kind of heartbreak. An involuntary treason if you will.

6. Can you cope with them conflating sexual orientation and gender identity? Some cishet folx conflate the “T” with every other letter of our alphabet community. This is a problem because other members of the LGBTQIA+ community may not understand that they may not have relevant experience to provide. Many cishet people haven’t thought critically about sexual orientation and gender identity enough to distinguish between them. So, when they talk to any member of the LGBTQIA+ community, they think they have heard from someone with relevant experience.

7. Can you be clear that you are speaking for yourself and not on behalf of every trans person? Remember that we all have internalized transphobia and are only speaking from our own experience. This means that there are things you and I believe about trans people that are rooted in bias, and we may not even be aware of them. And there are things that are only true for us and not true for the wider community. I try to be explicit when talking to folx in distinguishing between my opinion or experience versus things that are generally agreed upon within the trans community. But I also try to leave room for exceptions.

8. Are they looking to make authentic change or just to avoid a lawsuit? Good policies can’t be shaped without us, but, in my experience, mostly people are asking for our involvement because they don’t want to do the work themselves. Often, they don’t realize this, and they think they are doing the hard work just by asking us to do the work. You might notice this is happening if what they are asking for is a formula for not getting sued. If you sense this is the case, it may not be worth getting involved as the only thing likely to change is your heart when they crush it with disappointment.

9. Are you considering helping with this effort because you feel guilty? People often say, “Don’t complain if you aren’t willing to be part of the solution.” Great advice. I do so love a general orientation toward solutions. Unless the thing you are complaining about is your own oppression, and you would contribute to a solution if not for the fact that you are quite busy being oppressed. You don’t owe them the answer to, “how do I stop being an oppressive jerk?” Not your problem. If you want to be a part of the solution – great. But don’t let them guilt you into it.

10. People should not be congratulated for inviting you to be a part of the solution. There’s no award for not being an exclusionary enthusiastic oppressor. So, you are under no obligation to feel honored or touched or special for being offered a seat at the table. It’s a table you probably built.