Step 1 – Find allies

I identify people who are most likely to be understanding, supportive and hold this information in confidence. I leverage their perception of how others might react and the pros and cons of various approaches with various people. Over the next week I have several one on one conversations with people I not only want to hear it from me, but whose opinions I value.

Step 2 – Informing supervisor

I was worried about this conversation. Five years before, when I told my supervisor I was pregnant we turned immediately to logistics of what would need to be taken care of in my absence. She did eventually congratulate me but it wasn’t quite the initial reaction I had expected.

We do not share personal information, our relationship is very very work focused. I expected her to be uncomfortable with this topic.

“Oh good you aren’t quitting. Well great. Very exciting. Let me know if you need anything, like time off or whatever.”

Huh. That was easy.

Step 3 – Informing director

The director and I have worked together for several years and enjoy a fair amount of playful banter. I want to tell her personally because I value our relationship. But also, I want her to work with Human Resources to remind folks of Washington bathroom laws. While I am not certain of how far I plan to cast the announcement, I am certain I will be running into men I have worked in proximity to, but never met, from other departments, who may be alarmed to see me in the men’s bathroom. And, I want permission to control the narrative.

She is warm and accepting and provides useful reflection on the question of how far to cast this news. She ensures that the single stall bathrooms of the new building are not needlessly gendered and begins work to convert a set of bathrooms on the main campus to gender neutral. She adds her pronouns to her email signature and genders me correctly 100% of the time going forward. Genuinely, never once uses the wrong pronouns.

Step 4 – One on onesies/twosies

I hold one on one (or two) conversations with the people I work most closely with. These are folks I am comfortable asking questions of me and I want this news to be a dialogue.

I say something like:

“For as long as I can remember there has been this question which I have carried with me. One which I couldn’t articulate. I was recently in New Orleans. I am interpreted differently there – I’m not just one more PNW lesbian. I noticed that when I went to paid for my delicious food and fabulous service there would be a change in how that staff person saw me. Something was happening in that moment which shifted the exchange from a sense of feeling welcome, a sense of belonging, of essential rightness to a familiar and ever present otherness. It was as if they had learned something about me that changed how they viewed me. After thinking it over I realized, that in the warm dim light of the bars of Bourbon Street with loud music dampening my high pitched voice it was assumed I was a guy. My debit card with my birth name changed that assumption. I realized that that lingering question was, ‘Am I ready? Is it safe?’ And the answer is, ‘yes.’ I have decided to transition my gender. I am legally changing my name to Jesse. Please use male pronouns when referring to me. I know it will take practice. Do you have any questions?”

There are very few questions. I am incredibly privileged to have received exclusively congratulations and offers of support.

I am struck by how seemingly unsurprised people are. It is as if I am telling them I am going to the grocery store after work. Not only is that totally normal, they had anticipated I would go. I am relieved that it isn’t a ‘big deal’ and isolated in the fact that it is actually a big deal to me.

Step 5 – Open Wide the Flood Gates

Coming out at work is made a bit more complicated by the fact that my wife and I work for the same entity. I worry my revelation will make her life awkward. There are people that she wants to tell in person and we have to ensure this happens before the big reveal.

I want to tell absolutely everyone because I hope that it will avoid potential awkwardness later. Yet there must be a balance between the awkwardness which comes from an organization all-hands email vs the awkwardness of someone not knowing.

On the one hand this information is deeply personal. It is at the core of how I think and feel about myself. I don’t have a habit of sharing feelings with wide groups of people, how do I start now? Yet gender is so central to the way humans relate to one another our language assigns gender to third person pronouns.

I looked online for a coming out template, but none of the resources I found felt like the approach I wanted to take. All of them had an element of “don’t fuck with me.” I was thankful that that was not a concern for me. I knew the ‘worst’ reaction would be people being over accepting and making it really awkward. Or, that they were uncomfortable and avoided me.

This is a group of people that I wasn’t as comfortable answering questions they may have, but I wanted them to have answers. It was important to me that I layout what they should expect to change.

Good Morning,

I have personal news to share with you.  I am sharing this information because I have worked with many of you for several years, I value that relationship and this news will result in changes at work.

After living life inching ever closer to the center of the gender spectrum I have decided to take a couple more steps so that I land squarely on the male end of said spectrum.  I have come to the realization and a place of acceptance that I am transgender.  I have begun the process of transitioning to male. 

What I have found most surprising about this news, is how completely not surprised people are. Seems I was the last to know.   I have also been amazed at how supportive my family and friends have been.  I am very privileged to be able to live my authentic life mostly without fear.

I am legally changing my name to Jesse and I ask that when referring to me, you use male pronouns (he/his/him).  I want to acknowledge that my appearance will change very little which provides you all with few visual cues to remind you of this change.  I promise to grow a wicked beard as soon as possible – but these things take time.  That being said I realize that adjusting to my new identity will take time for others (it took me almost 3.5 decades).  Please don’t apologize for calling me ——-, and if you use female pronouns, a simple correction and keep rolling.  Sort of like when you curse in front of children – best to not give it any energy.

Gentleman, we may see each other in the restroom.  Let’s not make it weird.

Some of you may have questions about this experience.  Should your interests be regarding transitioning in general you may find Google, or your favorite search engine to be a good resource.  Sites such as PFLAG have a lot of great, accurate information.  This booklet meant for friends and family of transgender people is well put together and informative (especially the ‘Very Frequently Asked Questions’ section).  If your questions are about my experience specifically I hope you that you feel comfortable asking me.  However, the rules about appropriate and polite questions are still in play.  If your questions would have been awkward last week, they are still awkward this week.   

Should you feel inclined to respond to this email, please ensure that you ‘reply’ and do not ‘reply all’.  This will prevent the implosion of your colleagues’ inboxes due to news of my gender odyssey.

Thanks, Jesse