When I came out I expected that people I had known for a long time would accidentally refer to me with female pronouns. I was right. It happens much more rarely now, but when it does it is disorienting. I know it is unintentional but it still means that they view me as a woman and it is hurtful. Though, much more recently I have been able to find it slightly amusing because, at this stage it is entirely about them and their relationship to me, not me and my relationship to them. They can only benefit from actively correcting their perception.
I thought that there would be a brief period of time when some strangers would misread my gender. I thought that because, while not trying to be read as male, I was often ‘sir’d’…well, once I wanted to be sir’d, it should be easy.
It didn’t work like that exactly. Sure, once I started binding my chest I got more second looks in the bathroom. But there was something upon closer inspection that put women at ease. I over emphasized my smile, “I am just here to pee. I am not going to hurt you. You are safe here.” But it only happened a few times before I decided I preferred to risk my own safety in the men’s restroom than to continue to make women uncomfortable.
Using the men’s restroom – the concept was paralyzingly frightening. I became hyper aware of all the fear of men I had acquired over the years. That fear is primarily from information acquired from culture rather than first person experience but it is not without merit and until society no longer supports people who brag about committing sexual assault being seated on the Supreme Court or serving in the office of the President it is a fear that is necessary for women.
Once I entered the men’s restroom however, I was surprised at how not threatened I felt. Men do not make eye contact in the restroom. They do not take in enough visual information to wonder about someone’s gender. I could be wearing a clown costume and unless I wore gigantic clown shoes that may brush against their peripheral vision, I would go unnoticed. The bathroom reeks of urine and privilege. The privilege to not need to make eye contact in order to ward off an attack.
I want to acknowledge however, that that bathroom experience may well be the result of PNW privilege. The men in this neck of the woods are mostly unconcerned about keeping an eye out for predatory ‘queers’ – that is likely not the case everywhere. There are parts of this country that are wrought with anti-LGBTQIA propaganda and it limits my travel plans in ways that other white men cannot comprehend.
I avoided a conference in the South this last April because I wasn’t passing reliably and the bathroom laws in that state made it just as likely to be arrested for using the men’s room as the women’s. I am attending a conference next week in the South and I am actively trying to not allow anxiety to play a part in this trip.
This entire bathroom conversation is completely tainted by the privilege I have as a transman. There is no safe place for transwomen, especially transwomen of color.
Women are raised to be certain that men cannot be held responsible for their behavior, which on some level, is ever tied to their desire and, frankly responsibility, to procreate. It’s only natural. *barf*
Because there are men in this world who have assaulted women in bathrooms, women fear men being in their bathrooms. It is worth noting that men have raped women in every room imaginable and every other space. And yes, women have raped women and women have raped men and men have raped men – but none of that is playing into this bathroom dynamic. In fact, these facts should demonstrate that sex, gender and gender identity are not indicators of which people are safe to pee with.
So anyway, maybe we could all spend more time holding people accountable for their actual behavior and less time passing laws that are putting more people at risk and protecting no one.
I digress… This issue has been on my mind.
My wife and I were at our favorite brewery. An acquaintance of my wife’s was sharing about a research topic she is looking into for her master’s – trans students and bathroom access in public schools. It seems unlikely that she knew of my identity because, while she was supportive of trans students, she also shared what sounded an awful lot like cis students being uncomfortable with trans students was valid and that they needed protection from trans students.
I’m nineteen years old. Telling my grandfather that I am a lesbian. “Well, as long as it’s with an adult I guess it’s ok.” I respond, “Inappropriate behavior is inappropriate regardless of sexual orientation.”
This acquaintance shares that her daughter reported that a ‘boy who says he is a girl’ was in the bathroom looking over the stall. This is inappropriate behavior regardless of this child’s identity. Whether this is a trans kid behaving inappropriately or a cis kid trying to take advantage of a policy and act inappropriately – the child’s identity need not even be part of this conversation.
In trying to engage in this conversation with this person I realized that she was hearing me as if I were a cis male. So when I said, “To understand this issue we need to understand the reason that women are afraid of men.” It probably sounded like, “We need to understand why chicks are being so irrationally afraid.” As difficult as not passing as been, passing has it’s own consequences. These are the views of people who support transfolks. These are the views of our allies.
The people who think we are worthy of consideration still believe it is valid to fear us.
The Supreme Court heard three cases this week about LGBTQIA discrimination in the workplace. The cases are all about if it is legal to fire someone for being gay (2 cases) and trans (1 case). Katelyn Burns wrote a compelling essay for First Person which exposes the obsession the justices (including RBG and Sotomayor) have about who is using which bathroom. None of these cases are about bathroom use.
Who will decide if it is legal to fire people for their sexual orientation or gender identity – which is at its core an issue of policing morality, will be decided by the likes of Kavanaugh and Thomas. Themselves portraits of moral integrity.
I digressed again…anyway…
I thought that top surgery and removal of what I considered my most prominent female feature, would be the tipping point between strangers reading me as a man vs a woman.
When that didn’t come to pass (haha, see what I did there?) I thought, ok, well once my voice drops… I remember being completely disoriented when after my voice had dropped considerably someone misgendered me on the phone. How is this possible????
The human brain is a fascinating data processor. Through it, people are able to disregard my completely masculine wardrobe, hairstyle, deeper voice, new fluffy facial hair, lack of breasts and use my non-receding hairline (unmatched by other men my age), my relatively thin and feminine eyebrows, my smooth, soft skin that doesn’t just look clean shaven – but unshaven to peg me as a woman. The hair on my arms is delicate and soft, it’s growth pattern is too sparse, the follicles are too small.
At 5’6″, I am short for a guy. While top surgery was a very gender affirming step and I am so grateful I had access to this medical intervention, the first thing I noticed post surgery was how very feminine my hips are. My smile has a softness to it. I walk like a girl. The cadence of my voice, the dynamic way I speak overrides my new deeper pitch. My lack of monotone is a ‘tell’.
Some of this is temporary. I find my voice becoming more monotone because my current speech pattern hurts my throat. As my vocal resonance moves to my chest it is physically more difficult to vary the dynamic of my voice. The growth pattern on my arms and legs is gradually changing. Based on my father’s lack of hair for my entire life, I will certainly not hold onto this hairline indefinitely. My facial hair will get thicker, my center of gravity will shift. But my smile will remain soft and my hips are likely to stay exactly as they are.
So…I am the guy with the fullest head of hair. I am not the shortest guy I know, but below average. While many guys cannot grow a full beard, genetics indicate that is unlikely to be a permanent issue for me. My voice is deeper than some guys I know, but not the deepest. I’m not the only guy without a square jaw. My fingers are thin and long, my wrists are small but…I’m not the only guy with hands like mine.
My point is, our brains are wired to establish the gender of someone almost instantly. What opportunities could we create for one another if we resisted that auto-response? If we let someone revel themselves to us instead of attributing so much so quickly?
That's Mr. Gender to You 