We are driving around Ballard. By “we,” I mean “she”, she is driving and I am, as I have been since, in the passenger seat. To this day I can’t drive in Seattle without a map but Anji has the general lay of the land and doesn’t need that kind of accommodation.

“I can’t imagine growing old and never having a child.”

She is surprised, intrigued…pensive. “I have never imagined having another child.” The car becomes silent, but unexpectedly comfortable. A few intersections pass by the windows. It’s a beautiful evening. The streetlights cast an amber glow interrupted by the occasional neon sign for a pub. I note several options for a Trivia Night. I’m terrible at Trivia despite the amount of useless knowledge I have.

Like an egg on the edge of a bowl tapped just hard enough to crack she discontinues the silence with, “But I am not opposed to it. I’ve just…never thought it was possible.”

“I will never stop wanting a child so if your path doesn’t include more children, maybe this isn’t a good idea.”

“Thank you for telling me.”

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Only a few days have passed since that kiss in the kitchen. This is the first time we have seen each other since then but there is an unmistakable attraction here. Not in a curiously-attracted way like, “I wonder what she’s about. I’d like to know more.” More of a…factual attraction. Like the way that, save for a separating force, magnets continue to stick together.

We have been driving for awhile now. What better way to spend the evening than by having an unplanned stop at one of my friends’ houses? Honestly, I needed a second opinion. This all felt too fast and too certain. I must be jaded from all that has occurred in the last year. I should let my friends run interference if they think it appropriate.

But a part of me thought there might be a chance that I wasn’t making a hasty, crazy choice. Or that if I was, I might also be insanely lucky to be doing it with such a cool person.

Sure enough, they adore her. They concur with the assessment I gave her friend, I am not really qualified for this relationship but should try to get qualified. Soon she became their favorite part of our friendship. Understandable. With either of us you get witty banter but she has a comforting warmth and sweetness that is beyond me. A natural, rarely naive, optimism.

We arrive back at my apartment. As we walk up the stairs I have this sinking feeling as I check my pockets. You have got to be kidding me. I realize that when she offered to drive, I didn’t grab my car keys – or, my keys to my apartment. Not a great way to demonstrate that I can be a responsible, reliable mate. FML. She finds this endlessly entertaining and waits with me for the 45 minutes it takes for the maintenance guy to let me in.

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We spend the next day in Seattle Center, one of her favorite places. While I would normally be annoyed by the crowds – we are surprised to learn this weekend is Bumbershoot – the joy the energy of people gives her opens my heart and suddenly other people and their inability to walk in an organized fashion with appropriate body language to signal their intentions to change direction, don’t seem so intolerable.

I am nervous that we are taking her son with us today. What kind of a mother introduces her son to someone she just started dating? But…the relationship they have… He is clearly not vulnerable to meeting a fun adult and being crushed by their sudden absence. He has this incredible sense of self and autonomy. He will enjoy you while you are in his presence but…there are other adults in the adult pond.

The first time I met him, Anji had brought him to my office. We were not dating at the time, she was swinging through for a quick consult and to drop off some paperwork. He had bright blue eyes and fluffy blond hair. He was friendly and confident and so much like his mother. He shared some key facts about the Titanic. When I say some I mean maybe all of them. Maybe every documented thing about the Titanic there has ever been. Impressively he didn’t need to use a single completed sentence or pause for more oxygen. This kid was smart and…unique. Later I would realize that no, these were not all the facts about the Titantic that there are. There were many many more. There were round-trips to the grocery store and back amount of facts. There were flights to Phoenix and back amount of facts.

I am intrigued by the way in which he seems to seek nothing from me. He is telling me jokes and he skips ahead of his mother and I on this drizzly day in Seattle not to establish himself as funny, but…because it is kind. Because we might enjoy it. But if we didn’t, it would be no reflection on him whatsoever.

There is a food court at West Lake Center, and while it is not our first choice in terms of places to eat, we are all very hungry. To this day we still sigh and say, “Do you remember that noodle place at West Lake?” We had found unexpectedly delicious pad see ew.

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The days float by in a hazy bliss. When she holds me…I am completely disarmed. I joke, “Are you trying to swaddle me right now?” I AM THE BIG SPOON DAMN IT! Still…it turns out that as much as I feel like I shouldn’t let her be so damn bossy…she is awfully good at it.

There is a little voice that tells me to fight against this – to retain power for power’s sake. To establish dominance.

And then I realize she is not dis-empowering me…or dominating me…or emasculating me. This is what respect and equality feel like. This is what not always being the one to save the day is. This is what not always being the protector feels like.